hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
