you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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