Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
