Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My life is pants optional.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
