I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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