I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize