walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
