Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
