ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
