I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
