so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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