Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
