god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
