Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
