I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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