Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
