Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
