I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
