the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
