im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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