she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
