I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
