Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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