Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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