We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
