Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
