ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
