We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
