sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Your dad touched me again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
