omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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