Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
