Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize