Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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