her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
