is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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