I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
