I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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