I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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