Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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