i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Is her dick bigger than yours?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
