I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
