Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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