Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
