I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
