In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
