I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
