Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
