for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
