Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
