ya dads aren't the best wingmen
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
