beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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