remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
