she woke up with a sticky ear
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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