i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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