Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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