Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
