if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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