Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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