Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
