Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
